September 29, 2005

Chunky Colonel Limps into Lineup

Last year’s late-season injury has left the Colonel with many a question mark.

After blowing out his knee in an unsanctioned league in June, the Colonel says he’s mentally ready to return to the game. “My mind is in tip-top shape. Every evening I envision myself dancing circles around the rest of the sluggish roadster crew. Beetle Boy can’t stick-check me and Lak is but a miniature vision in my rear view mirror as I deposit another ball behind the flailing, red Lobster.”

But sources close to the Colonel seem to have a different take. “The Colonel is obviously dreaming again,” says big Hoss. “His injuries are catching up to him. He’s not the roadster he thinks he once was.”

Further investigation into the Colonel’s off-season training routine turned up many an empty box of Krispy Kremes. In fact, we found that the now-even-slower forward didn’t once break into a light jog, let alone a full out run during the off season. He’s gained 15 pounds of pure custard and lost 5 pounds of lean muscle mass, tipping the scales at a whopping 200.

Other roadsters think he’s ripe for the picking, and they may be right. His rapier wit is still sharp, but his emotional and physical game is as dull as ditchwater. Rumor has it he couldn’t even beat Giebelhaus in a race to sit down.

Perhaps it’s time for him to hang up the gloves in favour of a full-time, inside reporter gig. If only he could find an opening somewhere, he might have the opportunity to re-live those glory days gone by.

Posted by Colonel at September 29, 2005 12:16 AM

Ah Chunky Colonel. Fork or spoon?

Posted by: pfg at October 1, 2005 10:08 AM

I think we need a byline on these columns.

Posted by: Hired Gun Dixon Tam at September 29, 2005 07:24 PM

Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure the Colonel isn't just pitching us a line here. He's too proud to be serving up a slice of pre-season humble pie; I mean c'mon, mentioning himself and Giebelhaus in the same sentence, that's about as low as it gets! I guess we'll find out for sure if he has been hitting the pie if his arrival at the courts on Sunday registers on the Richter Scale.

Posted by: Living Legend at September 29, 2005 07:14 AM